Master the art of this sometimes awkward but inevitable social convention.
Like any forced get-to-know-yous, first dates have the potential for awkward silences, even if those awkward silences can be surprisingly meaningful in understanding each other’s comfort zones.
Matched with the pressures of finding the perfect outfit, venue, and activity, poor date conversation starters can either make or break your evening.
When you don’t know a person well, silence is a terrifying prospect and many people stay in public persona mode—failing to show the real person behind that quippy Hinge profile. It’s not until we feel comfortable with another human being that we can relax and be our true, authentic selves—the space from which intimacy is forged and common ground (be it, bucket lists, favourite TV shows, or even sense of humour) is found. From a psycho-biological perspective, scientists explain the first date ‘spark’ as a synchrony of affective states and biological rhythms for the sole purpose of social regulation. Everything from the inner workings of our sympathetic nervous system to breathing, and even motor behaviours (gestures, laughing, body language, amount of eye contact) tends to match up, mimicking your special someone. It’s believed that the more attuned and synchronous a pairing is, the stronger the romantic and sexual interest.
If you’re one of the lucky ones, you’ll find that great conversation comes like a breeze. As for the rest of us, you might struggle to get that all-too-important conversation flowing. Regardless of which side you lean towards, building a connection will undoubtedly take some time and effort on your half.
To achieve the first date spark, keep scrolling for GQ’s ultimate guide to keeping those initial conversations afloat. You can thank us later.
1. Spend your free-time with someone you’re interested in
You don’t need to be a relationship expert to tell whether or not you’re compatible with someone. At face value, most of us can determine in a few, mere seconds who fits our ‘type’. We’re not saying one has to be head over heels before agreeing to a first date, but ideally, you’ll be genuinely interested in seeing the person you’ve been texting the last week. If you find yourself on an endless rotation of date after date, chances are you’re wasting time on people you don’t feel anything for to retain the upper hand and avoid getting hurt. Talking about date conversation topics helps in finding common interests. Talking about TV shows can highlight your entertainment preferences and cultural tastes. How you choose to spend your days can indicate your lifestyle and priorities. You’re never going to experience true love if you refuse to be vulnerable.
boring couple in a café
2. Ask them specific questions about their life
Everyone likes talking about themselves. After all, we’re the subject matter we’re most familiar with and spend the most time thinking about. However, there’s nothing worse than sitting across from someone so self-consumed that they forget to pay attention to your interests. Using date conversation starters is a great way to ease into a natural flow of dialogue. Through trial and error, we’ve found that the best dating partners are equally curious about themselves and the world around them.
As for what to ask, skip the small talk and specific checklist—you’ll sound too regimented. Instead, start the conversation with open-ended questions and conversational topics centering on your date’s passions, dream job, long-term goals, favourite books, most spontaneous feats, and what makes them happy, to name a few. Rapid fire questions can quickly liven up the conversation and bring out unexpected answers. You’ll be pleased to find these rapid-fire questions work a treat in getting to know a lot about a person while inviting time for you to share the same. Recalling your favourite childhood memory can reveal a lot about your upbringing and values. Discussing your dream job can give insights into your ambitions and passions. Sharing the most spontaneous thing you’ve done can add an adventurous twist to the discussion. It’s all about balance.
3. Be present
Whether you know it or not, you’ve probably been phubbed. ‘Phubbing’—snubbing someone you’re with to look at your phone—may not be part of your everyday vocabulary, but it’s almost certainly a part of your everyday life. According to British analytics firm YouGov, fiddling with a phone proved to be the worst dating cardinal sin across the board—marking a major pet peeve in 69 per cent of men, and 70 per cent of women. For more meaningful face-to-face interactions, keep that pesky phone in your back pocket, face the person you’re speaking to, and pay attention (that is, ensure you’re actively listening and not just hearing). Try to keep in mind that we’re all vulnerable, jittery messes before meeting someone new. You can fall into an Instagram black hole when you get home.
4. Listening is key
We’re going to generalise here, and of course, the extent to which this is true depends on a myriad of factors—like one’s personality and the situation itself—but historically, men have been socialised to talk (playing an active role in the communication), and women socialised to listen (a traditionally more passive role). With these archaic principles in mind, you must work to make your date feel heard. Though it may seem common knowledge, show off your well-mannered conversation skills like a true gentleman. This means don’t interrupt. Ask that follow-up question about their closest friends. Like a job interview, treat a first date with the same courtesy as a professional meeting to secure that second outing.
5. Let go of judgement
Judgement can be one of the most hurtful weapons on a first date—essentially letting that person know it’s not okay to be themselves. It’s an impossible expectation to bank on getting to know someone entirely on date one. Speaking from experience, you could be letting go of ‘the one’ simply because you caught them on a bad day. People are not products that you examine and test out before you buy them, although the customs of the modern dating world can surely make it seem that way. People are people.
As a rule of thumb, the three-date-minimum offers you the chance to gain a clear vision about whether or not to invest more time in someone. Love doesn’t always tap you on the shoulder and let you in on what’s coming your way. In 2023, judging others (and yourself) is out. Instead, we’ll happily surrender to attraction and have good, plain ol’ fun. Although your date may not be what you expected, they might very well be just the thing you never knew you needed.
6. Be honest
Don’t portray yourself as something you’re not. If you’re a neat freak, let that freak flag fly. If you love a doom scroll in the morning, don’t be shy about it. Being honest about yourself is a great way to gauge compatibility. Being a night owl or an early bird can influence your daily routines and energy levels, and is a great way to understand each other’s routines. What you do in your free time reveals hobbies and interests outside of work or studies.
7. Be open
Using open-ended questions about favourite TV shows and books during date conversations can break the ice and reveal a lot about a person’s sense of humour and interests. Discussing items on your bucket list and long-term goals can transition small talk into more profound exchanges, highlighting shared aspirations. These insights can help identify common ground and deepen the connection, making every moment a step towards understanding each other’s all-time favourites things and life dreams.
Article originally posted on: https://www.gq.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/how-to-keep-conversation-going-on-a-date/news-story/56a16752f7cd2b590e15134a81b2aad0
